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Superhero Matchup!


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Aliases: John Clayton, Lord Greystoke

Abilities: Superhuman strength, speed, agility, reflexes, and senses. Very intelligent and able to learn new languages in a matter of days. Able to communicate with animals. Expert in wrestling and hand-to-hand combat.

Equipment: Simple knife

Home Location: Jungles of Africa


Aliases: Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Cimmerian

Abilities: Peak Human strength, speed and stamina, intelligent and a great tactician. Expert in armed and unarmed combat.

Equipment: Sword

Home Location: Cimmeria


There’s been some good discussion back and forth about this matchup, and I have to say that it’s among the toughest I’ve had to decide. Both contestants are physically impressive, good hand-to-hand fighters and cunning warriors.

The Scenario

After much deliberation, I’ve determined that the fight will take place in a small clearing in the jungle. To eliminate the jungle is to take away one of Tarzan’s biggest weapons. However, Tarzan is not able to call upon his jungle friends. He must fight on his own, armed with his knife and the resources of the jungle.

Conan is armed with his two-handed sword. The sword is not magical or enchanted. Both contestants are aware of the other and start on opposite sides of the clearing.

The Fight

The two hunters circle each other cautiously, each sizing up his opponent. Conan moves first, smoothly swinging his sword at Tarzan, who narrowly dodges the blade. Tarzan, surprised by the speed of the larger man, quickly melts backward into the foliage of the surrounding jungle.

Conan charges forward to follow, but the jungle man has already disappeared among the trees. Conan begins chopping a swath through the trees, searching for his opponent. Tarzan observes the barbarian from the treetops, poised and ready to strike.

Just as Conan passes below him, Tarzan leaps down from his perch and sinks his knife into the bulk of the barbarian. Conan thrashes back, knocking down the jungle man. He quickly grabs him on the ground and begins throttling him with his fists. Tarzan grabs the wrists of his opponent, rolls back, and kicks the man backward.

By the time Conan is back on his feet, Tarzan has once again disappeared into the foliage. His sword is gone. He stands his ground and watches the trees for any sign of movement… when out of nowhere, Tarzan swings through on a vine and lands a kick to his jaw. Conan goes down, but this time Tarzan leaps on his back, wraps a vine around, and leaps back. He has formed a primitive noose from the vines, and it tightens around the barbarian’s neck until he passes out.

The Outcome

It’s true that the setting of the fight plays a major part in this fight. Had it taken place in the desert, it’s possible that Conan could have beaten Tarzan. However, in this scenario, Tarzan was able to take advantage of his tactical advantage, and was able to bring down the larger man.

Tarzan is property of Edgar Rice Burroughs, Inc., Conan is a public domain character

6 Comments on the Intro

  1. David Green, February 28, 2011:

    Conan the Barbarian wins hands down, not only does he have the sword of the god of war, he regularly bitch slaps wizards, witches and mechanical monsters. And the killed James Earl Jones in Snake mode, Tarzan doesn’t do shit compared to Connan.

  2. admin, February 28, 2011:

    I think it’s a more even match than you think. Conan’s good against lots of normal men, but he has a tougher time against superhumans (And I think it’s fair to say that Tarzan, if not superhuman, is certainly more than normal).

  3. Christian, February 28, 2011:

    I just don’t know what Tarzan will attack with… sure he can swing on a vine and kick you in the face but Conan has a sword. One swipe and he cuts the vine and Tarzan is on his face. Does the chimp sidekick come into play at all?

  4. Alicia, March 1, 2011:

    Tarzan may be considered an underdog in this situation. He may not have a giant sword, be he has senses and reflexes a barbarian definitely doesn’t have. I think Tarzan could probably win by getting Conan to stab himself in the foot or fall off a cliff. I mean, he defeated that huge tiger-leopard-panther thing in the Disney movie…

  5. Allan, March 14, 2011:

    As said in person, it all depends on the terrain. In the jungle, Tarzan has the advantage, as he is able to attack anywhere, while Conan remains rooted to the ground. Tarzan also has access to all the wild animals willing to heed his jungle call, enough of which would surely be enough to take down the savage barbarian.

    That said, in a flat, arid terrain, not unlike the one Conan walked upon during his years turning the Wheel of Pain, the barbarian’s chances rise dramatically. It would still be a close call, but with the help of the occasional golden-haired valkrye, Conan might very well sever the King of the Jungle’s head from his spinal column.

  6. white avenger, June 21, 2011:

    From the description above of Tarzan (armed with a “simple knife” and being able to “summon and communicate with animals,” we must be talking about the watered down parody of the Lord Of The Jungle that Hollywood made out of Burroughs’ most popular character. This being the case, it would be just about an even match, with neither man having a distinct advantage, but my money would still be on Tarzan. His speed and agility, whether in the jungle or in open terrain, would allow him to dodge and get in too close for Conan’s sword to be effective, giving his shorter knife all of the advantage. If sword and knife were eliminated from the equation, that would mean simply fighting ability and brute strength would have to be considered, which would put the match overwhelmingly in Tarzan’s favor, since he has had formal training in the martial art of Ju Jitsu and is a far more experienced hand to hand fighter, simply because his “simple knife,” being a weapon requiring close contact to be effective, would also require an extensive ability in close quarters fighting in general, something that Conan’s sword wouldn’t require.

    Get out the butter, folks, because Conan is toast.

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