Deadpool stood on the shore of the tropical island, water lapping against his feet and the sound of surf in his ears. His mental fortitude allowed him to ignore some of the disorienting effects of being transported to the arena. He checked his weapons – the swords on his back and firearm at his hip – before heading into the jungle, intent to root out his target quickly and get back home to that pizza. As he strode forwards, a voice boomed into the air.
“Welcome, combatants,” it roared, “to perhaps the fight of your lifetimes! You’ve been matched with an opponent of equal skill and only one of you will leave this island alive! May the best man win!”
Meanwhile, Solid Snake had also managed to get on his feet and begin preparing for battle. Unfortunately, most of his equipment didn’t make the trip with him. Before entering the jungle, he knelt down, and checked his packs. A combat knife and a fragmentation grenade, along with his SOCOM and a FAMAS assault rifle. Snake prepared his weapons for easy access and waded into the brush to wait for his opponent and attempt to prepare.
A few moments later, Deadpool came crashing through the jungle, hardly a care for stealth. “Hey, I can’t die, alright? I’m not too concerned. Eesh,” said Deadpool to no one in particular.
As he strode ahead, a tall, dark figure emerged from behind a palm tree and ran further into the brush. Deadpool drew quickly and fired, but the figure was gone as soon as he’d appeared. Hiding a smile beneath his mask, Deadpool kept his gun drawn and drew his sword into his left hand. He took off after his prey at a run.
Snake lay in the brush a short distance from where he had seen his opponent. He was rather noticeable, dressed head to toe in what Snake could only assume were red pyjamas. After the man had ran by Snake’s hiding spot, he leaped out and fired two quick rounds. Both connected. One entered the right shoulder of his foe, and the other caught him square in the back of the head. Snake kept his gun drawn as he approached the downed man. He lay face down in a pool of spreading blood. With a jolt, the body gasped and shook momentarily, and then asked, “Does anyone smell toast? I smell toast.”
Snake stepped back, in shock. The bullet holes were both closing, leaving only a hole in the material to prove it had ever been there. Slowly, he stood up and stretched, while holstering his pistol. He turned around and drew his remaining katana into his hand. Snake looked at the combat knife clutched in his left hand, underneath his pistol. His opponent flourished his swords and laughed, “You call that a knife?”
Wade Wilson leaped forward, brandishing his katanas, but his enemy was quick – and well trained. He ducked and dodged under each blow as it came, staying too close to allow Deadpool to give his swings any real power. Deadpool was actually impressed by his enemy’s abilities. As he was thinking this, he heard a familiar pop as a gun was fired, the bullet tearing into his leg. He slowed for a split second while the muscle and tissue in his leg repaired itself to functionality. “Hey!” shouted Deadpool, “We’ve learned that doesn’t work, ok? How about you just stop that, huh?”
Snake fired two more times before dropping his pistol. He had to put everything into this gambit. This man seemed to heal at a ridiculous pace – so fast that any damage he did was nearly immediately mitigated. He did notice, however, that although his target seemed to mentally ignore the damage, his body still had certain functionality requirements he could take advantage of. Each of his shots entered the shoulder of his opponent, causing him to be unable to block Snake’s next attack, although he did try his best. Snake moved in quickly with his knife, spinning and planting it into the red chest of his foe. Snake then slammed an elbow into his arm, causing the katana to fall to the ground. He picked it up and dove away.
Seconds after he’d been shot in both his shoulders, Deadpool was in perfect condition – however, he was missing a katana. His enemy stood a short distance away, holding it wearily. Wade looked down at his own sword and gave the enemy a curt nod. “Not bad!” he said, “That was actually pretty cool.”
Deadpool swung his remaining katana viciously and impossibly fast, but his opponent kept up. He gave each swing as much power and speed as he could muster, but his target, although too occupied to be much of a threat, remained on the defensive, and kept Deadpool at bay. It hardly mattered, however, because Deadpool wasn’t tiring and though his opponent seemed hadn’t slowed, the sweat on his brow betrayed him.
Snake realized he wouldn’t be able to keep this up as long as he needed to. After some quick thinking, he realized his only chance. When he had a moment to breathe, he pulled the grenade from his pocket and quickly pulled the pin. He kept it held in his hand, however, and noticed the glance it warranted from his adversary. He pressed the attack, grenade held in his hand. “Hey, buddy… you’re supposed to throw those, you know that, right?” said Deadpool.
When Snake felt he couldn’t wait any longer he performed a quick feint and then swung his katana low. It caught his opponent in the leg just above the knee and severed it clean off. With a sharp cry, its former owner toppled over into the dirt and Snake dropped the grenade next to the stump that remained before he dove away to cover. The blast of the grenade followed immediately after.
Snake stood slowly and gazed through the smoke and dust. The severed limb remained where it had fallen, more or less, though it did look somewhat worse for wear. As Snake moved forward, gun drawn, a gunshot rang out through the air. It tore directly into Snake’s gut, dropping him to his knees. He looked up, through the settling dust to see Deadpool; or, his upper body at any rate, aiming a pistol at him. His legs were regrowing slowly after the other was blasted off by the grenade and the costume on most of his body had been burned away to reveal hideously scarred skin underneath.
Deadpool watched his opponent stare in disbelief. He always felt a little bad when they put up such a good fight and then, just when they thought they had it all figured out, went ahead and died anyway. “Hey, don’t feel too bad, man,” Deadpool said, attempting to console his defeated foe, “I mean, I don’t even know how to kill me. No hard feelings?”
Before he could get an answer, his foe vanished and the same voice boomed through the air.
“Well done, Mr. Wilson! Your abilities really are second to none, aren’t they? Now take a rest until you are needed again.”
Victory – Deadpool. Although Snake is, at the very least, as capable as Deadpool is in combat, there are few things that can overcome Deadpool’s healing factor. Although Snake has fought foes with regenerative capabilities, he is only able to defeat them when he is given an edge that will negate or inhibit it. Without this, or anything that can be used to disable Deadpool, Deadpool is able to play a short waiting game and then use his own elite skills to finish him off.